How to support someone on their fertility journey - what to say and what not to say.
In light of Infertility Awareness month, I wanted to take a moment and talk about the emotional strain that can come with the fertility journey. I encourage all my fertility patients to have a support team, just like any other health journey, when navigating the waters of the fertility world. However, it can be difficult to choose your team members if you are not feeling understood. This topic is either avoided all together or questions and comments that are said can leave them feeling judged or unseen.
My goal with this article is to help anyone who has loved ones that are included in the 1 in 8 couples that struggle to complete their family to know how to effectively support them. On the flip side, if you are the one on this journey, it can be difficult to ask for support from someone who has not dealt with the rollercoaster ride of the fertility world. Most people cannot understand what it is like from month to month to go through waves of hope and possibility followed by heartbreak and loss…for sometimes years.
If you feel you need a little guidance on how to support a loved one in your life that is going through this, here are some tips on how to do so without feeling like you are walking through a mine field. If you are currently going through your fertility journey and you want to talk to someone on how to be on your fertility support team, this maybe a good blog to share with them.
Please do not say, “Just relax and it will happen!” (CRINGE) Nothing is more triggering to someone trying to conceive than the dreaded “RELAX” statement. Even if you truly believe it to be true, that they will have a baby someday, do not minimize their journey and suffering by telling them to relax. By the way, has telling anyone, ever in the history of the world, to relax, ever worked?
Validating their journey is a much better approach. This could look like “This seems like this is such a stressful journey I see you going through. Although I do not know what it is like, I would love to understand and offer any support I can.” Sometimes this might look like offering to talk about it or giving your loved one the option of spending some self-care time with you, like getting a pedicure and not talking about it all. Give them the option. They may want to just unwind with a friend rather than rehash their current situation.
Never invalidate someone’s dreams by telling them that “maybe it isn’t meant to be.” It upsets me so much when I hear that this was said to one of my fertility patients. Some people go as far to question whether they should continue their journey after this is said to them. This is essentially saying “Your dreams do not matter, just give up.” If someone was suffering from any illness where there was a treatment, no one would dare tell that person they should live with the ailment because it was meant to be. This is the same thing.
Honor their dreams instead. If someone has a goal, whether it be to run a marathon, build a business or have a baby in their 40’s, it is your one and only job as a friend or family member to support their dream. I promise you; they have enough doubts in their own minds, they do not need yours in addition. If they are going to do their 5th round of IVF or choose to never try IVF, just be their cheerleader. If this is someone’s dream, it is their business how they get there.
Avoid telling a loved one that you could never go through what they are going through (“I could never do that”). No one ever has any idea what they would go through if life handed them a different set of circumstances. By telling someone you wouldn’t be able to do it, although you may think you are telling them they are strong, it again invalidates their decisions by putting your own values on them. This can come off as saying that the time and money they are putting into this is not worth it.
Instead of telling them what you would not do, tell them what you are really trying to say: “You are so strong. I admire that you are doing whatever it takes.” It sounds and feels so much better for someone to tell you how awesome you are rather than what they would do.
Limit giving unsolicited advice: “Have you thought about adoption/IVF/etc.?”, “Have you tried this herb/position/diet?”. They have. I promise, they have thought or heard about it all. All people going through a fertility journey know what adoption and IVF are, you are not enlightening them for the first time. Bringing this up makes them feel you “don’t approve” of the decision they are making. Adoption is a beautiful option for those who are called to it, but you must feel called to it. We must remember, everyone’s decisions about their body and family are their own. There is no real room for advice here unless asked.
What if you have heard of the best diet, book, doctor, herb for fertility and you would like to share it with a loved one? Simply ask if they want to know: “I have a resource you might be interested in, let me know if you want it.” This gives them permission to make the call and find out more information on their terms. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to hear everyone’s advice, this way you can support them with information by their request.
Please never complain about your kids or pregnancy in front of someone who is struggling with fertility. Saying to someone, “You can have my kids” or “You are lucky you don’t have to deal with this” seems like a no-brainer to not say, yet I hear that these things are said a lot to my fertility patients. There is almost nothing more dismissive to someone’s journey then telling them they are lucky to not have to deal with kids or a pregnancy. This is literally all they want. This is also saying on some level that your ability to deal with your children and becoming pregnant was harder on you than their fertility journey (which can include self-administering shots and surgeries).
Instead, be grateful. See your loved one’s journey as an opportunity to understand that having children is not an easy given for everyone. Once you see that side, your heart will just be more open to understanding and empathizing. There is not really anything that has to be said, but it is a feeling that will translate, not of pity, but of love for someone going through an uncertain time.
I hope that these words find some healing in a very uncertain time for your loved ones. Women going through this process are often trying to manage their everyday tasks, jobs and relationships and trying to be strong while they are possibly enduring a negative pregnancy test, a failed fertility treatment or possibly even a miscarriage - Not to mention the hormonal fluctuations that accompany all of this. If you know someone who is on a fertility journey, the best thing you can offer them is kindness. If that person is you, do not forget to be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace during this time.
